Parenting has its highs and lows. Raising a human and teaching them the ways of the world did not come with a manual and our childhood experiences will be informing how we raise the next generation. Whether you had authoritative, permissive, authoritarian, or neglectful caregivers, the impacts of their actions will inform our actions. If we take action by learning more, we can change or improve upon the parenting we received for the next generation.
Why gentle parenting? Because gentle parenting it focuses on emotional intelligence and enhancing a child’s emotional quotient (EQ). Emotional intelligence/EQ is single greatest predictor of long term success! Emotional intelligence is a better indicator for long term success than IQ! We want to improve our children’s long term success and the best way is to develop their emotional intelligence.
The first step is awareness. The point of awareness is not to shame, but to find ways to consciously co-create the kind of dynamics with our child that we truly desire.
There is lots of information shared about gentle parenting that may make it seem unattainable. In this article, I hope to provide a clear understanding on gentle parenting, dispel common myths and misconceptions, and provide you with tips on how to introduce gentle parenting into your daily routine.
Let me start by saying, the first time you attempt a new gentle parenting technique should not be when you are knee deep in a tantrum. You can begin incorporating gentle parenting techniques into your normal daily interactions with your child and should feel natural.
The next point I want to make is that, once you commit to your new routine, you must stick with it for at least 6 weeks! Any time when introducing a new routine you have to give it at least 6 weeks . 6 weeks of consistency with your new routine, 6 weeks to know if it works for you and if you’re receiving the results that match your goals. After those 6 weeks, only then are you able to determine if you should stick with your new routines or make adjustments. It is never too early or too late to introduce gentle parenting techniques and the sooner you get started, the better.
If you’ve been curious about this approach and want a introductory guide. I’m here to break it down in a way that’s honest and real.
What is Gentle Parenting?
At its core, gentle parenting is all about respect, communication, boundaries and empathy. It’s not about being a pushover or letting your kids run the show. Instead, it focuses on building a strong parent-child relationship through open communication, emotional awareness, and positive discipline.
The Four Key Principles of Gentle Parenting:
- Communication – Communicating in words that are Calm, Clear, Consistent and Concise.
- Respect – Treating children as individuals with their own thoughts and feelings.
- Boundaries – Setting firm but fair limits in a way that fosters cooperation, not fear.
- Emotional Awareness & Empathy – Helping kids (and yourself) recognize and regulate emotions through connection. Understanding your child’s emotions and guiding them through challenges with compassion through modeling of real world examples.
We will delve into these key principles later. Let’s start by dispelling some common gentle parenting myths and misconceptions.
Common Gentle Parenting Misconceptions
1. “It’s not enough discipline!/My kid(s) needs discipline”
Gentle parenting does NOT mean letting kids get away with everything. Let’s start by breaking down: what is discipline? Discipline is a practice of training. It’s the practice of training and being consistent. A child cannot emulate “discipline” if they do not see their parents do it for themselves first. Ask yourself, do you have the discipline to control yourself when you are overstimulated? Are you able to consistently show up for yourself? Are you committed to becoming better and improving? What do you show your child when you’ve had a bad day, when you are hungry and overstimulated? If you are still learning how to manage your own emotions as an adult, you cannot expect a child to know how to manage their own emotions either.
Discipline is for adults. Managing our own emotions and actions when we are overstimulated is ‘the discipline’. Showing up consistently in our own lives, for our children, doing the hard parts are the only ways to show children what discipline actually is.
2. “My kids don’t listen, they only move when I yell/threaten them”
You tell your child to clean up the toys, they don’t move. You tell them to come here, they run away. And the only thing that seems to work, is yelling louder, repeating yourself, and eventually threatening them with punishments. And now you do that all the time now. Yelling, repeating, chasing, threatening is exhausting, isn’t it?
It can work for a time, but do you truly want to yell, chase, repeat and threaten forever? If not, its time to examine how we communicate.
When we yell and repeat ourselves, we only teach our kids 1 thing. That they don’t have to listen until we yell and repeat ourselves x amount of times. This is a very challenging cycle to be caught in and can be even more challenging to break. Especially if it’s a habit that your family has grown accustomed to for years.
If yelling is your main tool for communication, you can expect your child to use that same method of communication in their daily life. Interested in communicating like a gentle parent? Read more below.
3. “I don’t have time for this; I need them to act right, now!; My parents did xyz and I turned out fine”
Your time on this earth is a finite resource. The question is would you rather spend the next decades yelling, screaming, threatening your child, feeling defeated and exhausted? Or would you rather spend 6 months restructuring your habits and years refining it so that it brings you and your child closer? The time will pass regardless, it’s your choice how you want to spend it.
My hope is that every parent can start their journey with gentle parenting techniques and that every child is afforded every opportunity to succeed. This work is not meant to shame parents or different parenting techniques. It’s to open our eyes to our own dysfunctional habits and bring awareness that there is a better and new way of doing things. Because we don’t want our children to just “turn out fine”, we want them to be successful, we want them to win and become independent. We don’t have to repeat what we’ve experienced, we want to consciously co create a new reality of peace and ease for ourselves and our children. And why not try something that is heavily researched and evidence based?
Let’s dig into the principles of gentle parenting and how we can incorporate those habits into our daily life, starting with the first principle of communication.
Communication
I like to refer to this first principle as the 5 C’s. Calm, Clear, Consistent, Concise, Communication. We will explore communicating as a gentle parent.
Calm
When gentle parents speak, they speak calmly. Communicating calmly means ensuring our message is communicated without anger, frustration or irritation. We avoid raising our voices in anger and choose to speak in a normal, measured tone at all times. This is particularly crucial when giving directions or commands, as maintaining a level tone does not scare a child away. This might involve practicing self-regulation techniques, like taking a pause , to ensure that interactions remain rooted in patience and understanding. This approach fosters a nurturing and peaceful family dynamic. It also provides valuable example to understand the importance of calmness in effective communication.
Clear
Gentle parents communicate clearly. When speaking with young children, it is necessary to provide simple, one-step directions to ensure they understand what is expected. If it involves an activity or action they have not encountered before, it is important to model it explicitly first. This involves demonstrating the action clearly and taking the time to guide them through the entire process, step by step. After modeling, it is crucial to give children opportunities to practice the skill in a supportive environment where they feel comfortable trying and making mistakes. Only once they have had ample opportunity to practice can we fairly hold them accountable to follow through independently. Communicating expectations clearly also involves ensuring that these expectations are fair and achievable. This means taking into consideration the child’s age, developmental stage, and individual capabilities.
Consistency
Communication must be consistent. This means using the same language, motions, and routines every day when issuing directions or interacting with your child. Consistency is key as it creates a sense of predictability and security for children, helping them understand what is expected of them and what they can expect from you.
How would you feel if you were whisked from place to place, told what to wear, what to eat, who to speak to and what to do but never provided any context or choice? It would drive anyone crazy. Now imagine you have a stomach ache or headache on top of it and did not have the words yet to talk about your needs! That’s almost every child’s day to day reality. Consistent communication looks like priming your child on today’s schedule and what to expect during the day and from you. Consistent communication provides reasoning, even if you don’t believe your child understands, yet.
“We’re going to the park today for a little bit. I brought a sand timer (visual aid) and I will let you know when we have 5 minutes left before we go home”
Letting your child know the time limits verbally or with a visual aid, such as the sand timer, helps them feel part of the decision. Priming a child before activities about expectations can eliminate a lot of tantrums that can occur simply because the child was not aware.
By consistently applying the same words and gestures, you reinforce the message and help your child feel safe to learn new information. It’s not only about repeating what you say, but it’s also about being reliable in your responses and actions.
Consistency also involves following through on what we say. If we make a promise or set a boundary, we follow through. Teaching our children that our words hold value and meaning. We will talk more about boundaries later.
Concise
I juggled between making this about being confident or concise, but decided to go with concise. In terms of gentle parenting, concise information has to be said in a confident way. To be confident, we must first think about what we will say and how we will say it.
Concise communication is given in a single, direct statement that conveys all the necessary information for a child to understand our reasoning and the importance of complying with our direction. Sometimes I notice parents ask their child a command…
“Do you want to put on your shoes so we can go outside?” “Do you want to eat more of your veggies first before dessert?“
If it is something someone must do (a command) we do not ask. Gentle parents do not request commands. The only time we ask, is when we give a child a choice.
Do you want to eat more of your broccoli or your carrots before dessert? Do you want to put on your red shoes or blue shoes before we go outside?
In these examples, we are commanding but also providing a choice so the child feels they have some control over the situation.
Gentle parents are straightforward. We only say a command 1 time. This is the biggest key when it comes to providing direction. This does not mean we cannot provide follow up hints or redirection. It means, “I said what I said” and “If you need help doing it, I will help you do it”
Children’s brains are still developing and the truth is when we use negative language as a command, the last 2-3 words are the only piece of information that stays in their memory. We can replace the negative commands with positive behavior narration. Look at the chart below for examples of positive behavior narration.
Instead of : Try this :
| “No!” | “I see you want to try this one, lets do this instead.” |
| “Don’t touch that, it’s hot!” | “Hands by your side” |
| “Stop running around here!” | “Running is for outside, we walk indoors / Walking feet.” |
| *child tries activity* “Buzzer Sound, that’s wrong. Nope that’s incorrect” | “Good job trying, that’s the square, try this one over here. “ |
By being clear and direct with positive behavior narration, we foster an environment where children learn to appreciate straightforward communication, enabling them to respond without second-guessing the boundary we lay down.
The next principle of gentle parenting is about respect. Treating children as individuals with their own thoughts and feelings.
Respect
Treating children as individuals with their own thoughts and feelings involves acknowledging and validating their emotional experiences. This means allowing them to feel a full range of emotions without fear of dismissal, criticism, or punishment. It’s about giving them the freedom to express their feelings openly and authentically, and providing a safe and nurturing environment where these emotions can be processed in a healthy way. Respect in terms of communication means ensuring every time we speak with a child, we kneel down to get on their level and give eye contact with speaking with them, because we want them to speak directly and maintain eye contact when speaking with others.
Respect means allowing your child to have a choice, an option and that their voice carries weight. Children are allowed to say no when you ask them a question. Children are allowed to have a say over their body and bodily autonomy. Do children always make the best most informed choice for themselves? Obviously no. But that’s why its the job of the caregiver to make executive decisions on the parts of life that have no exceptions and only an adult can decide on and which parts of life children can have free choice of. Children deserve reasoning, explanations and choices. This may trigger some folks, but let me see it clearly: Children are not our property! They are humans who live alongside us in the world.
Boundaries
Boundaries keep everyone safe. Kids need limits and they thrive on rules. Children must be afforded opportunities to manage boundaries and make their own. Children will not respect the boundary the first time you lay it down. The adults job is to follow through, be firm and listen. Gentle parents use natural consequences and choices.
For example, Let’s say you tell your child to put their shoes before going outside to play. Your child doesn’t want to and protests “I don’t want to go outside with shoes on”. You already gave your direction once. You will not repeat yourself. Instead you will lower the threshold of the demand by providing a choice, hint and/or bringing their shoes closer to them. Instead of following up with : “If you don’t put your shoes on right now, we’re not going!”
We say instead, “We can leave when your shoes are on!” or “First shoes, then outside!” or “Do you want to wear your red shoes or blue shoes?” Providing a choice gives children a sense of control while keeping the boundary intact.
Tantrum, crying behavior may ensue. Tantrum behavior can communicate a different need the child may have. Maybe the shoes are too small and causing discomfort to their feet. Maybe the child actually doesn’t want to go outside but wants to play with the toys that remind them of a park. It is the parent’s responsibility to be flexible enough to accept that today’s plans may change and to investigate by helping the child name their emotions and finding solutions. I know there are times when it is absolutely not possible to offer a choice and plans cannot be delayed, but that is why it is important to know when to provide hand over hand support and when to provide space.
Emotional Awareness & Empathy
Helping kids (and yourself) recognize and regulate emotions through connection is a pivotal aspect of successful parenting. By understanding your child’s emotions and guiding them through challenges with compassion, you set a foundation for lifelong emotional resilience. This guidance often involves modeling real-world examples of emotional management and effective coping strategies.
Scenario : Your 2 year old child’s favorite car truck is missing and cannot be found. Your child falls out crying. You tell them you could buy them a new one and that it’s not a big deal. They cry and scream louder. It’s a full blown tantrum. What do you do next?
In some scenarios, some parents sit their child up and tell their child to stop crying and stop crying NOW! Sometimes, parents press in and say “keep crying and Ill give you something to cry about” through gritted teeth. These approaches trivialize your child’s emotions and severs connection between adult and child. What does your child actually need?
Simply put, they need understanding. Children need commiseration. Adults can always see the big picture and realize small material objects come and go. But for your child, that small toy could have been their source of comfort or their connection to recognizing self.
Gentle Parenting Approach (with emotion) : “Oh man! I can’t believe that toy is gone! Its like you had it yesterday and now today it’s gone! It’s really frustrating to have something and then it goes missing, just like your favorite truck. When I lose something, it makes me so sad too! I’m sorry you lost your truck. Would you like a hug?
Sometimes, when I lose something, I go look for it everywhere so I can find it. And if I can’t find it, I ask for help. Do you want some help looking for your truck?
If I can’t find something, then I play with something else so I am not sad anymore. Lets find a new toy that we can play with together.
This approach enhances the connection and shows the child that you understand why they are sad. This demonstrates verbalizing your meta-cognition to show your child your thought process and how to navigate this current challenge. Emotions are intense and can feel overwhelming for a small child. You have to remember, what did you need when you were that age?
Children, much like little sponges, absorb everything around them—both the positive and negative. Therefore, if we wish for them to navigate frustration, disappointment, and stress in a healthy manner, it’s imperative that we demonstrate how to deal with these emotions in a healthy manner. This demonstration is called modeling and this includes acknowledging our own missteps.
For instance when admitting to a child that you hurt them:
“I was really frustrated earlier and I raised my voice. I noticed that when I did that, it upset you and made you cry. I’m truly sorry; I didn’t mean to hurt you,”
Furthermore, practicing and teaching healthy coping strategies is key to emotional regulation. Techniques such as deep breathing, mindfulness, taking a step back to reassess a situation, and even taking a momentary break to collect one’s thoughts are invaluable tools that our children deserve to observe. Engaging children with self-soothing techniques, focusing on breathing through guided exercises, or listening to calming music can help them calm their nerves during stressful moments.
It’s beneficial to regularly engage in discussions about emotions during low-stress times so that when high-stress situations arise, the child feels prepared.
Final Thoughts
Gentle parenting isn’t about perfection. It’s about progress. Some days, you’ll be the picture of patience; other days, you’ll hide in the bathroom with a piece of chocolate before taking on a tantrum. And that’s okay. The goal isn’t to make a mistake—it’s to raise emotionally healthy children to the best of our ability and to strive to keep learning. Gentle parenting does not mean tantrums will never happen again. Its providing you with the tools to navigate them so children can become more independent over time. One thing I can promise, is that it will get easier.
If you need more support with your parenting journey, call contact me using the contact form on this website or schedule a consultation below.
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